Ohmygod, I have no clue what happened here. Two years ago I was living in a great townhouse, had my best friend (female friend) as a housemate, was working at a job I truly loved and had my adorable little Cocker Spaniel for exercise and warm snuggles. As my 51st birthday approached, my wonderful and sometimes very smartass, younger sister decided I needed to start dating again (I was widowed in 2003). She not so politely informed me that I was "officially old" (as only a younger sibling can do), and the only way I would meet anyone is having them throw themselves in front of me on the sidewalk while walking my dog.
Fast forward-I did meet someone, online to boot. He's not one of those overly groomed, excessively tailored metro guys, he's the guy Brad Paisley had in mind when he wrote the song "I'm Still a Guy". No manicured, waxed and botoxed guy here, trust me. Divorced, successful in his field, like most guys, a bit brain dead about the little things, but when the chips are down or you just need a hug, he's there.
So, it's 2 years later, I've moved (in with him), redone a good portion of the house, started and had challenges with a business, acquired two wonderful grandchildren and am going to be a great grandmother in December. And somewhere, in all this great stuff, I started to lose me again. So, before it hits critical mass, I decided to see where "I" went.
OK, I'm a rather high maintenance, own way too much make up/skincare/haircare stuff, collect shoes (I'd use them for wall art, I LOVE shoes), dress up (even in jeans) kind of spoiled brat/princess/diva sort of female. I live (now) in a place where PJ pants and flip flops pass for being "dressed" and people actually wore jeans to a Black Tie event. I have the photos to prove it. It's a mere 27 miles from where I lived before but worlds away. I don't "fit". Without even realizing it, I started to do things to "fit in", dressed down, tone down, whatever and discovered it doesn't fit me and I still don't fit in. Then I realized I didn't want to "fit in", the old round peg in a square hole thing. Here's the challenge, I am at a total stand still as to where to go or what to do from here. The economy and the housing "thing" have made moving back to civilization (as I know it) not possible at this time. So, I'm a bit stuck in "south of Lodi" for the duration of the economic "downturn" as the people who don't want to create panic (like we're stupid or something) are calling it. Oh, I really do live south of Lodi, CA, I now get that old '70's song.
Where to go from here. I've written in my journal, talked to friends I trust, cried, laughed and hidden out. I've drawn designs in my sketchbook, played with my photography, gone on long walks. So, what I know for sure-I am who I am-a kind of sparkly, one of a kind, over the top (at times) sort of person. I love being creative, designing, taking photos of sunrises/sunsets/scenery and old architecture. I love to cook unique meals, have no issue keeping a home (actually like creating a home), but I also have a very active mind (in case someone hasn't noticed, DUH?!?) and don't sit still well, never have. As I can't start knocking down walls or remodeling bathrooms, I need to find me again. Something that means something to me, makes a bit of money (I am so over having to make piles of it, I want to pay bills and increase my shoe budget), and most important, makes me happy most of the time, frustrates me some of the time and every once in a while, is total joy.
For anyone who's ever been where I'm sitting, I totally empathize. I get it. Where to go, what to do. i do know that I don't need to make tons of money or have a powerful, over the top title (been there, done that), but I need to reclaim ME. I, unfortunately know more than one woman, late 40's to early 60's, in this place. We grew up with the "don't type or they won't let you do anything else", you have to be wonder woman with the paycheck, title and personal life to go with it feminist thing being pounded at us and now, what? We may be empty nesters, divorced, widowed, or single by choice. And we have options suddenly that we either didn't know were there or didn't acknowledge when we were in our 20's or 30's. I remember being asked in my teens "what do you want to be when you grow up"? I'm technically a grown up now, so what do I want to be? What do you want to be? Better yet, who do you want to be?
I'm going to keep pondering this one. If you are on this same search, who and what do you want to be? I'd love to hear your thoughts, who knows, we may all assist each other on this search simply by talking about our own journeys. So, ladies, let's hear it, as long as it's really you, let's hear your answer to this one.
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