I was recently asked to write a story. Not a fairy tale but an interesting autobiography. The first part of the story was to be written by my 20something self. What I saw my life being like from that vantage point. The second part of my story was to be entitled "Reality". What my life really turned out to be.
As I sat down to write, I had to go back and really remember what I wanted at 20, where I thought I'd like to go, what I really dreamed about being, having and doing. I sat there for a long time, actually I almost took root to the chair. When I hit a place like this, I do one of two things, I either sit down and meditate or take a long, hot bath in something that smells really good. Aromatherapy. With this, I decided I needed to do both, it's been a day or three or five since I was 20. As I was lying in a very wonderful, hot, lavender scented bath - I actually saw a closet with shelves from floor to ceiling all the way around. On every inch of space on these shelves were boxes. Some were beaten up and rather broken down, some were in perfect condition and beautifully wrapped with gorgeous bows. Each box had a label, and I realized this was where I had stored all my dreams. Did I really want to begin sorting through all these boxes? What would I find?
Slowly I began taking boxes from the shelf, I picked one that was a bit broken down first. What kind of dream would be in a broken box? As I opened this box, I realized it was a dream I had taken down and looked at many, many times. My photography. I love photographing sunrises, sunsets, beaches, the ocean. I'd look at that dream over and over for years. The box was well worn, something to think about. The next box was in pristine condition, beautifully wrapped with a gold ribbon bow. Must not have looked at this one in a long while. Maybe I simply stuck it on the shelf without ever pursuing it at all. Oh yes, I remember-I was going to be a fashion model. At 5'8" tall, not a bad dream, but in the Twiggy era, you had to be bone thin, I had a very classic hour glass (with a bit more sand in the bottom, loved to eat) and bone thin wasn't ever going to describe me - OK scratch that one. The next box was wrapped, but looked like it had been handled. Oh yes, the law degree. I wanted to be the first female F. Lee Bailey. Criminal defense. This was the early '70's and very few law schools would admit women, and if they did make it through, most were being offered jobs as paralegals or clerks after law school - another shelf idea. I think I took it out a few times as things got easier with admissions etc., but I got married, moved - you get the picture. Another dream scratched, no law school.
All this didn't take more than 10-15 minutes. The bath water was getting cold and I had enough of an idea of where this meditation was going. I had stored many dreams. Some because they weren't practical, some were (like modeling) just not going to happen. As I got out my journal, I began to make a list of all the dreams I'd had. Not just what I wanted to "be" but traveling, where I'd live, who I'd marry (some specific, some just a "what he'd be like"), things I'd like to do. I made this list down one side of the page. On the other side, I tried to remember why I'd stored that dream in a box in the "closet". Being totally honest here, some of those dreams make me laugh now, like wanting to date a famous actor (especially after I actually got to meet him). Some of them, the time has passed. Some, I could actually realize now. Something to think about.
Do I wish I had pursued some of those dreams? Maybe. Would they have changed my life? Probably. Do I have regrets? Funny enough, not really. I've had many conversations over the years that begin, do you wish you could be 20, 30, 35 again, but know what you know now?? I am so glad the batteries in my magic wand are broken. The answer is NO! I think maybe my choices would be different but I don't really think they'd necessarily be smarter. What I learned doing this exercise is that I did give away pieces of myself, one dream at a time.
This week, find the closet where you've "stored" your dreams and begin to make a list, and then add the reasons you didn't follow each dream. Mark the ones you could still pursue. Write to me and tell me about one or two, maybe together, we can all find a dream or two from the "closet" that we can, in this glorious second act, turn into reality.
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